File 8

Reflections on the 2018 Year

Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more 

unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything 

useful.

Margaret J. Wheatley

Although I have neglected my files for some time, I am back to blog about my reflections on 2018. 2018 for me has been a year of first and many new experiences. I have learned many new lessons, failed at several things, made numerous mistakes, but I can say that I am still standing and ready to persevere into 2019.

2018 brought me into my first serious relationship and for the sake of that person’s privacy, I will only discuss myself. I will say that I learned a lot about myself through trial and error. I have a better understanding of how I want and liked to be treated by a partner. I also learned that just because you feel that you are meeting someone’s needs, it doesn’t mean that they think that you are. The biggest “aha” that I have made, is that love is nothing to play with. Being in them “Feels” will have you doing and thinking some crazy things, lol. All in all, I enjoyed it but alas, everything doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. That’s life. Life will throw you some curve balls whenever it feels like it and the important part is how you respond to the curve balls.  

I have come to terms with some things that I would like to work on about myself. I have realized that I am a person that does not like to make mistakes. Shocker! I fully understand that mistakes must be made so that we can learn from them but I still cringe and over think when I have made one. I think I have found the beauty in messing up. The beauty lies within how you respond or react to what you have done. Are you/have you tried to correct the mistake(s) and has your behavior changed? Reflecting on making mistakes has been a major part of my self-care process these last few months of 2018. Just know mistakes do not define you or your character but they do help shape who you are.

I started this blog so that I could encourage others and keep up the fight in deciding to save myself for marriage. I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I have a hard time not regretting my decision. I am not saying that I have decided to no longer wait, I am discussing a struggle that I have been having for the better part of my year. Sometimes I get really discouraged and I feel that this promise that I have made to myself and God, has been in vain. Why am I setting myself aside and there is no guarantee that I will find who I have been set aside for? Let’s be honest, the reality of that is terrifying to me. I have waited for so long to be connected to the person I will spend forever with and it could possibly not happen. Even though that possibility does not match up with the things that I want for myself, I have to get to the point where I am ok if those things don’t happen. I have to be assured that God has something in store for me that surpasses what I have envisioned for myself. I can’t say that I believe in God and love God, if I still carry around doubts and fears. I am working on this and I just wanted to be transparent and say that it is not easy. It’s not easy but it can be done.

This past weekend I attended a retreat and in one of the sessions we had to write down something that we need to stop carrying around. Once we wrote those things down, we would later burn them because you can’t “carry around ashes.” Jesus! Once you’ve severed ties and burned those burdens, don’t look back to pick up the ashes. I am very guilty of this, guilty of hanging on to things that I should part ways with. Sometimes we get so comfortable in being in a certain situation or feeling a certain way, we get too accustomed to it. It feels familiar and anything different feels too foreign. Fear or content keeps us from making progress or coming out of those routines.  I am saying that I need to stop doing this. Stop letting fear or familiarity keep me in situations that I need to excuse myself from. The hardest thing to do is walk away when all you want to do is stay. That’s a hard truth to come to terms with.

As I look back over my 2018, I can think of plenty of things that I wish I could change but time doesn’t work that way. I just know that I am not taking this hurt and heartache into 2019 and I very much owe that to myself. I am also considering ending my blogging efforts in 2019 and focusing on something else. 2019 may bring the changes that I need and opportunities to try a bevy of new things.

Here is to a prosperous 2019 for you and me. Remember that mistakes are proof that you are trying and anything worth having is worth the wait.

-Attendre

File 7

Every time I see this quote, I laugh from a good place because from my perspective it’s true. There is always that twinge of excitement when you meet someone new and there is possibility there. It’s hard to keep that excitement to yourself, if you have awesome friends like me. They understand when you spill the goods about a new possible Bae and they give encouragement when you have that “Never mind” moment. Dating these days, is a game of chess. Sometimes I’m good with my bluff and sometimes I get checked, its risky business.

As far as purity goes, one thing that I often struggle with, is when to reveal that I am saving myself. When do you share this information? I typically get a feel for what type of man I’m dealing with before I share this information. In my experience men that do not have serious intentions with you, will reveal that information very fast through their actions. I like to share this information in the beginning when a good opportunity presents itself. Most of the time doing this results in me getting my feelings hurt because I had the audacity to hope for the best. This process is tiring but I guess, it’s just a part of the game. Sex must be a hell of a drug.

The dating game has disappointed me lately and I feel like I have taken major L’s, lol. I believe that I am a good natured person, I love to laugh at life and learn from my experiences. So after a few days, I am able to laugh at the antics of my dating adventures and press forward. This shows growth for me because in the past I would normally sulk and ask, well what is wrong with me? The answer is not a damn thing! I/you are attempting to do something that is against the norm, it is something that sets us apart. Not a lot of people can handle that or are willing to see if they can handle it. I would have a lot more respect for some of the men that I have interacted with, if they were just honest with me. Just tell me that this is not something that you can do, instead of wasting my time. One of my biggest pet peeves is when my time is wasted because I am up front from the jump. In fact, it has been a constant struggle not to let experiences were my time has been incredibly wasted to make me bitter. I pray to not let these experiences harden me.

I have come to an understanding that I may not be every ones cup of tea and that is fine. This whole experience continues to teach me how to be patient and how to love myself. When I say, everything that I have prayed for in a mate, will be worth the wait, I believe that whole heartedly. Waiting is not easy and at times, I have to ask myself is this worth it or is this what I really want. As many times as I have wanted to quit and give in, waiting seems to keep winning in the end. I feel like I say this so much, that I am creating a fairytale, lol.

Another prevalent thought that I have about dating while saved and single (insert sarcasm here), is that I have noticed that when some men find out that I am saving myself and I show interest in them, they think I see them as Husband material. I have had a few situations that support this theory, insert eye roll here! I love that level of confidence but please slow your roll! There is still a process of getting to know a person before you make those assumptions. An interest or a crush on you, is just that. If I have had the patience to wait this long, please believe that I am not going jump the gun with just anybody. I haven’t been in the dating game for a long time, so I am positive that I still have some things to learn. BUT, I am pretty sure it doesn’t go, girl admits she saving herself for marriage, you are the husband, and we live happily ever after. Not a chance! There is still a standard that has to be met for both participating parties. Just get over yourselfJ

Through all the mishaps and learning experiences, I am still optimistic and enjoying my singleness. Even though we may get tired of being single, we must understand that it is not a punishment but rather a time to enjoy ourselves. There will be times throughout this journey where I/you may feel lonely or have a few off days. My advice for those times is to increase your amount of “self-care” activities. I will include some ideas below. Self-care is the best care! Yes, I did write this long post just to boost my favorite mantra: Treat yo self! If you don’t who will?

Self Care

If you would like to contribute in any way to The Attendre Files please send all stories, thoughts, or questions to ssmarie1920@gmail.com.

Treat Yo Self and when Bae comes, it’ll just be double the treating for you bothJ

-Attendre

File 6

If I am honest with myself there are times when I am perfectly happy with being single. I enjoy spending time with myself and being able to get up and do whatever I want. To me, this is the easy part of being single. I remember someone telling me that you have to know how to be alone before you can be with someone else. I agree to an extent. The hard part about being single is when those spurts of loneliness start to creep up on you. This is where we must be careful as singles because it opens up a gateway to possibly make some questionable choices. So please be careful when dating and your loneliness is at an all-time high. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, tread lightly.

Being lonely and on the prowl (LOL), has caused me so much trouble but let’s not harbor on times of darkness. I know I’m not the only one that has been there, let’s be honest. We must remember Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” The number one advice that women in successful relationships tell me, is that they were not looking for their mate, he came on his own. This is in no way me, advising anyone not to shoot their shot because you only live once. Between you and me, I’m gonna keep shooting mine too! I keep missing though,lol.

Which leads me to dating while single and saved.

I agree it is a test of faith because it makes the eligible men/women slimmer. Then you add other factors and it at times, just makes you cringe. I have found myself interested in some very eligible men but then I notice things that make my intuition and discernment go off the radar. Then it’s back to square one and a repeat of the cycle. My honest advice is to keep the faith, guard your heart and if something seems off, follow your gut. 

You don't want to give anyone that undermines your values a chance at your heart. During this journey of purity I have had times where failed relationships have made me resentful of saving myself. I had to evaluate why I was doing this and why it means so much to me. Being careful in who I give my attention to or who I allow to show me attention, has been something that I am very intentional with now. When I tell you that my block game is strong, it is. I will block you through every outlet that I know how and that's not me being mean or petty, its me protecting Shatia. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't show that they see your worth or that they value your time, its deuces!

My Pastor gave a great sermon on Sunday, that I believe pertains to this file. The scripture was Matthew 7:6, "Don't waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don't throw your pearls to pigs. They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you. (NIV)" 

You are a child of God and that means you are set apart from unholy things and people. Thinking about this scripture in terms of purity, singleness, and dating means you have something special that you should share with the right person. In such a sexual world, its hard for some people to understand and respect this. This goes for unsaved and saved people as well because if we are being honest there are some saved folks who have a whole lot of hell in them. Don't sacrifice yourself and the love you have to give for the wrong person.

If you would like to contribute to the Attendre files please send all thoughts and words to ssmarie1920@gmail.com. 

Don't throw those pearls to the wrong person, clutch em girl!

-Attendre

File 5

God is awesome, right?! It’s more of a statement than a question. I really love the way that God loves me, how about you? I find it comforting that as humans we crave different kinds of love but the love of God trumps all. I am patiently waiting on love to find its way into my life but with that patience, comes certain task that I need to do to continue to prepare for my “HusBae.” One of those major task besides getting closer to God, is to forgive the first man that ever hurt my feelings. My father.

I was talking with one of my good friends and Colleagues Mrs. Morgan and she expressed to me how, her husband helped her mend the relationship with her father. I value what she has to say tremendously and after this conversation with her I started to evaluate how I felt about my own father. About a year or so later, I had a conversation similar to this with one of my best friends. She expressed that maybe I needed to forgive my father, to prepare myself for my husband. Then, the next week I attended a Women’s ministry meeting at Church and the topic was forgiveness. How fitting!

I have always been a very observant person. I don’t talk a lot unless I really have something to say. I believe that I have always been mature for my age, so with the absence of my father in my life, I knew the value of choices at a young age. Although hurt by my father’s lack of presence in my life, I understood that this was his choice. He was choosing to be absent and I have always felt that this was selfish. Before I go on, I would like to express that my mother has never down talked him in front of my sisters or me. All opinions of him, have been formed/where formed from experience and hurt.

I am a very passionate person, it has always been hard for me to forgive in the past. That is until I learned that not forgiving people for their choices or mistakes can keep me out of heaven! I don’t have time to take those types of gambles with my life. I have learned that forgiving someone is more for you than them. With age and going through life, I have come to the realization that there are far better things to concern yourself with and to let grudges and hurt go.

As I am typing this, many memories are coming into focus for me. Not all of them have been sad or about me, being upset and angry at my father. Which is a good thing because at one point in time, when I thought of him, all I felt was anger. I am very happy that God has changed me because I am not angry with him anymore and I have forgiven him. This was a hard process because sometimes as humans, we just want to hold on to our past hurts. I don’t want to do that anymore.

To My Father:

I forgive you. I have forgiven you for some time now but I have done you the injustice of not telling you these words. For that, I am sorry. It has taken me 30 years to fall in love with myself and to analyze the feelings that I have for a lot of things. If I am being honest with myself, the rejection from you, has had an impact on how I have interacted with men. In a way, not forgiving you has been a huge factor in how I have not given myself to a man. I did not want a man to reject me or hurt me because I felt like I would be choosing for that to happen to me.

 I am very humbled and grateful to God because he has allowed me to grow into the beautiful and thoughtful woman that I am now. Despite your absence from my life, I know that you see the amazing Black woman that I have become and will continue to flourish as. I no longer am holding on to the anger that I have felt for you, for most of my life. That anger has hurt me, more than you know. I realize that you do love me and sometimes it’s easier to be away than to not give someone the love that you know they deserve. Thank you for making those choices, as an adult, I understand that those choices may have hurt you too. In time, maybe I will be ready for a relationship with you but I am not there yet. Please know that you have taught me a great deal, even in your absence. Now I understand that I can accept the love that I deserve and I am confident that I deserve the best.

Love,

Tia

Here are some notes from the class on forgiveness, taught by Minister Roz Daughtery
Psalms 66:8
Un-forgiveness is rooted in:
1.       Anger
2.       Abandonment
3.       Resentment
Forgiveness is a one way street! It is for you!
Reconciliation is between 2 people.
Don’t give Satan any more power in your life.
 

Sometimes the things that we have the most trouble with, can be the exact cause as to why God has been saving something for us. I am not saying that my husband will come knocking next week because I have decided to forgive my father. What I do know is that I feel a new peace because this marks something new for me, going forward. I hope and pray that I/you find a man that will be able to love us in his very special way and that his love will be everything above what we have ever imagined.

If you would like to contribute to The Attendre files please submit your thoughts to ssmarie1920@gmail.com

It’s a must that we forgive but we don’t have to forget. Remember fool’s gold is worthless but a true jewel doesn’t need to pretend. We’re the pot of gold, at the end of someone’s rainbow.

-Attendre

File 4

Today’s file is dedicated to a new podcast called Trill Tea which I have fallen in love with. I was very interested in episode 5 which is cleverly titled “You “Celi”bate, I’m Buying a Bit. I could not wait to share my reactions and the actual podcast on The Attendre Files.  The link to the podcast is below but please be aware that there is some choice language used, if that sort of thing offends you.

 Trill Tea Episode 5

I enjoyed listening to this episode and just jotted down some notes as I listened but I really did like the perspectives of the host and the guest. Before I dig in to my thoughts, I do want to say that I loved how the participants were able to have a mature conversation about this topic and still respect each other’s opinions.

Towards the beginning of the episode, the question was raised as to how much of a role did “Religion” play in the guest’s choice to be celibate. It just made me stop and really ponder on why I have made the choice to save myself. When I was younger, religion did play a big role up until high school. While in high school I did attempt to try and set some things in motion trying to fit in with some friends. But you know what, God blocked it! As I have gotten older I have a deeper understanding as to why I want to wait but it is not just directly tied to trying to please God. Shocker! It’s more of a personal choice now. That’s a conversation for a different file.

Amen, to God with the block of a lifetime!

But look, when they were discussing the reactions that they get, when telling women and men that they are celibate, I was like, yes Sis, that’s dead on! Women do tend to always say, “I wish I would have waited or I admire you for that.” And men, well sis let me tell you, it’s always a mixed reaction but most of the time they sit there in disbelief, lol. I guess just because it’s not a common thing in today’s society and then they are even more dumbfounded when I tell them that I have several friends that are virgins as well. I just laugh, sir get your ish together.

Ashley, I will say that one of the hardest things about this journey is seeing a fine man when your hormones are out of control, lol. Girl, I feel you! Seriously, for me the hardest thing is fighting temptation, especially when you want to say yes but you decide to stay strong. Reason always wins for me but I have been close to saying YOLO! Judge me not!

I also made a connection when they discussed being a Sapiosexual and was wondering if that is a common thing among virgins. Since I have never had sex, I don’t really know what I am missing.  I am lying, I know I am missing something very satisfying, lol. I am very attracted to intelligence because I love a man that can teach me something. That is sexy! Show me all sides of you, boo and if my crush is reading this right now, hey boo!

I can’t say enough, how much I enjoyed hearing the different perspectives because it was nice. There was no shame thrown, maybe a little shade when they started discussing the makeup tips and dude went on and on about loving a natural face. He got a major side eye from me on that but I was impressed with his answers about practicing celibacy. He doesn’t believe in marriage but when the right woman comes a long, that’s changing for sure and he is not going to know what hit him! Same goes for the young lady who says that she is mean, there is a man coming that will be willing to knock down those walls. Sometimes being mean is just a coping mechanism. At the same time, its ok to just not want to be with anyone.

Towards the end of the conversation, Amani gave a little nugget of wisdom because that just what Divas do ;) She stated, “If you are not whole, you can’t give away pieces of yourself.” Had me in my room, like “Yes, Sis speak that!” You can’t be out here just giving pieces of you away, you are the treasure. Only give the goods to people who deserve it. It doesn’t matter if that means saving yourself,being celibate or choosing the right partner, just make sure that you’re always solid.

Make sure you follow Trill Tea on Facebook!

If you would like to contribute in any way to The Attendre Files, please submit your thoughts to ssmarie1920@gmail.com

Major Key Alert! You will be worth the wait!

-Attendre

File 3

God often speaks to us through a variety venues, whether it is the Bible, other people, or just moments of clarity that we may have. Recently, I have had several moments of clarity about how to interact with men. I have seriously been seeing the same message in memes, photos, on TV, and through conversations with friends. So I am like, maybe I need to talk about it on the blog because a light bulb has gone off for me.

This message is simply the realization that there is a difference between interacting with a God fearing MAN and a man. I knew this before but for some reason, I get it on a deeper level now. As a young woman that is dating, I realize that there is a huge difference between the two. When you are dealing with a God fearing man there is a certain level of respect that they will have for you because they know you are a child of God. They don’t have time for games and more than likely, they know exactly what they want. A man of God understands that there are more ways to be intimate than just physically. I am talking about a man that will pray for you, stimulate your mind, travel with you, tell you when your're wrong, among many others things. Talking about it, just gives me chills and now I am sitting here like:

Where ever Bae may be, I hope that he is walking on the path that God has set aside for him. Who knows, he could find me on my path next week. Knock on wood, lol.

Honestly, when my/your man of God comes, he is going to recognize what you hold and see the God in you. He will understand your choice to wait until marriage because its you that he is after. He will not pressure you to make decisions that you are not ready to make and he will still be able to love you in ways that you could have never expected. Chills, again.

If you would like to contribute to The Attendre Files, please submit your thoughts, stories, videos to ssmarie1920@gmail.com.

Remember HusBAE will be the worth the wait as well.

- Attendre

File 2

I am going to be completely honest with you and confess that when God gave me this idea to create this blog, I was against it. I have no problems with letting others know that I am saving myself for marriage but somehow creating this space was terrifying to me. There is a saying that you can’t run from what God has for you because it is for you. What God has planned will happen eventually. God planted this seed in me and I neglected it for a long time because of fear. God did not create us to have fear. Fear stops us from receiving blessings and can block so many opportunities. Having fear can also make us go through lessons that we could have avoided. Avoiding this idea that God had given me and being weak in the flesh made me go through a lesson that I could have avoided.

God always has whats best for us, even if we are running from it.

It all started with a boy, lol. I met a young man, who I found interesting and started spending time with him. After getting to know him, I began to like him. This was new for me because it had been a long time since I found someone that could hold my interest and was willing to be patient with me. As things started to get more serious, I let him know that I was saving myself for marriage. He thought that this was great and said that he understood. Kudos, points for him for being understanding and patient. As time progressed that understanding began to leave and our friendship started to tarnish. I liked him, so I ignored a lot of warning signs because again fear, was telling me that I did not want to be alone. He continued to do things that I did not like and I continued to ignore those things because oddly, I still enjoyed his company and conversation. At some point, I realized that talking and dealing with him was draining me and I had to let him go. I offered to still be his friend but this infuriated him and we ended things on very bad terms. 

Amen.

I share this story because it taught me several things. I should not give into temptation just because I am ready to be with someone. I also learned that if someone is not adding positivity to my life that they should be removed immediately. If I am in agony because I am honest with you and you can’t handle it, then we no longer need to be in contact. I am a good person and I am sure that you are too, so don’t let anyone compromise what you stand for. I almost fell headfirst into a bad situation and as the saying goes, “I can do bad all by myself.” Only positive vibes are welcome over here! Next, time I'll listen to God the first time but I never learned a lesson, I did not need. Clearly,lol.

God, I hear you loud and clear.

If you would you like to contribute to the The Attendre Files, please submit your thoughts to ssmarie1920@gmail.com

Always remember you're worth the wait, even if others don't understand the jewels you possess.

 -Attendre

File 1

Attendre, Such a beautiful word. Definition: To wait. A one word command to sit still and wait. I have been waiting for many things in my life. Some things and events have been easy to wait for and others have tested my patience and strength more than I would have wanted. I am waiting and saving myself for marriage. I am waiting to meet my husband. I am saving myself for this man.

In this new millennium many people think that this act of waiting and saving yourself for marriage is cliche, a waste of time, or sexist. I respectfully beg to differ because somewhere and at some specific time in my life, I decided to make this promise to God and myself. It is a promise that I have struggled with lately because of the inability to want to wait for my future husband. To be tempted and feel different emotions and yearnings has been a formidable force against my will to wait.

In this struggle, one thing has been clear. Even though it has been hard, my ultimate goal is to give this gift that I hold to my husband. I have decided to be more proactive in protecting this gift. I want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can to prepare myself for when I find my future mate. I want to continue to work on my spiritual health and get closer to God and to build a support system to help me through this journey of being celibate. Thus, the idea of creating a space where others who are saving themselves or are celibate can share their thoughts and receive encouragement. I asked God to give me guidance and to prepare me for something greater and he placed it on my heart to create The Attendre Files.

The Attendre Files is a place to share laughs, stories, and revelations for many people. I want to share my words and experiences with others and for others to submit theirs as well. I look forward to building a community of support and hope that as you read this, you will decide to contribute in your own unique way.

If you would like to submit anything toward the files, please send them to the following email address:

ssmarie1920@gmail.com

Always remember:

-Attendre