File 5

God is awesome, right?! It’s more of a statement than a question. I really love the way that God loves me, how about you? I find it comforting that as humans we crave different kinds of love but the love of God trumps all. I am patiently waiting on love to find its way into my life but with that patience, comes certain task that I need to do to continue to prepare for my “HusBae.” One of those major task besides getting closer to God, is to forgive the first man that ever hurt my feelings. My father.

I was talking with one of my good friends and Colleagues Mrs. Morgan and she expressed to me how, her husband helped her mend the relationship with her father. I value what she has to say tremendously and after this conversation with her I started to evaluate how I felt about my own father. About a year or so later, I had a conversation similar to this with one of my best friends. She expressed that maybe I needed to forgive my father, to prepare myself for my husband. Then, the next week I attended a Women’s ministry meeting at Church and the topic was forgiveness. How fitting!

I have always been a very observant person. I don’t talk a lot unless I really have something to say. I believe that I have always been mature for my age, so with the absence of my father in my life, I knew the value of choices at a young age. Although hurt by my father’s lack of presence in my life, I understood that this was his choice. He was choosing to be absent and I have always felt that this was selfish. Before I go on, I would like to express that my mother has never down talked him in front of my sisters or me. All opinions of him, have been formed/where formed from experience and hurt.

I am a very passionate person, it has always been hard for me to forgive in the past. That is until I learned that not forgiving people for their choices or mistakes can keep me out of heaven! I don’t have time to take those types of gambles with my life. I have learned that forgiving someone is more for you than them. With age and going through life, I have come to the realization that there are far better things to concern yourself with and to let grudges and hurt go.

As I am typing this, many memories are coming into focus for me. Not all of them have been sad or about me, being upset and angry at my father. Which is a good thing because at one point in time, when I thought of him, all I felt was anger. I am very happy that God has changed me because I am not angry with him anymore and I have forgiven him. This was a hard process because sometimes as humans, we just want to hold on to our past hurts. I don’t want to do that anymore.

To My Father:

I forgive you. I have forgiven you for some time now but I have done you the injustice of not telling you these words. For that, I am sorry. It has taken me 30 years to fall in love with myself and to analyze the feelings that I have for a lot of things. If I am being honest with myself, the rejection from you, has had an impact on how I have interacted with men. In a way, not forgiving you has been a huge factor in how I have not given myself to a man. I did not want a man to reject me or hurt me because I felt like I would be choosing for that to happen to me.

 I am very humbled and grateful to God because he has allowed me to grow into the beautiful and thoughtful woman that I am now. Despite your absence from my life, I know that you see the amazing Black woman that I have become and will continue to flourish as. I no longer am holding on to the anger that I have felt for you, for most of my life. That anger has hurt me, more than you know. I realize that you do love me and sometimes it’s easier to be away than to not give someone the love that you know they deserve. Thank you for making those choices, as an adult, I understand that those choices may have hurt you too. In time, maybe I will be ready for a relationship with you but I am not there yet. Please know that you have taught me a great deal, even in your absence. Now I understand that I can accept the love that I deserve and I am confident that I deserve the best.

Love,

Tia

Here are some notes from the class on forgiveness, taught by Minister Roz Daughtery
Psalms 66:8
Un-forgiveness is rooted in:
1.       Anger
2.       Abandonment
3.       Resentment
Forgiveness is a one way street! It is for you!
Reconciliation is between 2 people.
Don’t give Satan any more power in your life.
 

Sometimes the things that we have the most trouble with, can be the exact cause as to why God has been saving something for us. I am not saying that my husband will come knocking next week because I have decided to forgive my father. What I do know is that I feel a new peace because this marks something new for me, going forward. I hope and pray that I/you find a man that will be able to love us in his very special way and that his love will be everything above what we have ever imagined.

If you would like to contribute to The Attendre files please submit your thoughts to ssmarie1920@gmail.com

It’s a must that we forgive but we don’t have to forget. Remember fool’s gold is worthless but a true jewel doesn’t need to pretend. We’re the pot of gold, at the end of someone’s rainbow.

-Attendre