File 12

In my professional life, I am an educator and one habit that has been ingrained in me during my tenure as a teacher, is the act of reflecting. During your teacher prep program, you reflect a lot. You reflect on what went right, what went wrong, what could have been better, and sometimes you reflect on your initial reflection. So naturally, that habit spilled over into my personal life. This year I made it a mission not to just treat myself with material things but to also dig deep and take care of myself spiritually and mentally. In essence my journey towards better self-care has also been an act of self – love. You have to love yourself beyond measure, flaws and all before you could ever commit yourself to another person. If you feel inadequate alone, no amount of time or love spent with a mate, will fill that void that only you can nourish.

As I reflect on my experiences during 2019, I can say that I am very pleased with the things that I have accomplished and the many lessons that I have learned. 2019 is defiantly a year that I will never forget. After a lot of processing, I have decided to make this a personal lifestyle blog and not focus on a purity journey. If this is where you leave me because you’re no longer interested, please know that I am honored that you chose to walk with me this far.  

As far as dating this year, I had some nice experiences and really wished it would have worked out with one of my suitors. It was my first attempt at a long distance situation but that proved to be too much for both parties.  One experience with this person that I will always cherish, is the first time he called me and prayed for both of us. Oh my God, that really made my day, month, year. That is a step in the right direction, as far as things that I want to be present in my future relationships. Can we pray and praise God together, yes lawd!! He is on the way,lol!

I had a "wake up" experience this year too! I admit my feelings were hurt, at first but then I realized who I am! People come into your life for a reason, they are either a blessing or a lesson! Someone that I used to be very fond of, always said that they wished they found someone who was as genuine as them and that they don't go into things with high expectations. Funny thing is, they did the exact thing to me, that they said they didn't want done to them. I finally realized that person was a lesson and l have never learned a lesson that I did not need. I am going to go into future dating experiences still being genuine and hoping that I am not getting played in the process. Karma is a real situation and I only want good mojo returned to me. 

I am planning to do a deep dive into Pastor Mike Todd's Relationship Goals Series and may share my notes on here. I have listened to the first sermon and it was everything. I am posting the link below, enjoy!

I am so excited for 2020! Here's to reflecting more through the Attendre Files! Just wait on it!

-Attendre

File 11

Hey Y'all!

Yesterday was Father’s Day and for the first time in a long time, I felt triggered by the holiday. I was surprised by these feelings because they seemed foreign to me. I never really had a big appreciation for the day because of the nonexistent relationship that I have with my biological father. As I grew older, I began to show more appreciation for it because of the male figures that I did have in my life. I took a pain and turned it into something positive by being appreciative of what I do have. Still, when I started to scroll down my FB timeline and seen all the well wishes, I felt odd but couldn’t pinpoint the source of or for lack of a better word, aggravation.

It was not until this morning, when I read a status that was shared by a FB friend, that I was able to identify the source of my uneasiness. It was a status that shared some insight from The Red Table Talk episode with Ciera and how she realized that it was time to end her relationship with Hip Hop rapper, Future. Peep the status below:

I immediately hearted the status because it spoke to me. I have written about my journey to forgiving my father on here before. I still forgive him. Now you’re wondering well if that is true, then why the sad feelings on yesterday? After reading heartfelt stories from friends to their fathers, and digesting the words of the post, I realized that a fond relationship, full of sweet memories with my Father is something that I will never get. The opportunity has long passed.

So what system of measurement would I use, to identify whether or not my mate is how a husband is supposed to operate? A Fathers love is essential to helping a woman build up her confidence as she grows from a child into a woman. There are some things that a Mothers love can’t replace, just as there are some lessons that can only be learned from a father. My opinions and I am sticking with it, lol. As I pondered over these questions, I started to think about who I could use as a measurement like Ciara used with her father. I thought of my Great Grandfather, who was my whole heart and first best friend. I miss him dearly but as much as I want to use him for this “measurement” I can’t because listen, the man did no wrong in my eyes. So there’s that, lol.

So as I am sitting here processing these new insights and being in my feelings, I started to think about my last serious relationship. I think about how sometimes I wasn’t as confident to do certain things like missing opportunities to be intimate with him. He did teach me that intimacy and sex are not the same things and it’s a lesson that I will forever be grateful for. I think on this journey of saving myself, I had lumped the two together. Especially since its hard containing yourself around someone that you love but you want to not fall into temptations. This was my first serious relationship and I definitely struggled with this because there were plenty of times, I wanted to say, take me now, lol. Ok, let me stop playing because I want yaw to take me seriously, lol. BUT I am being all the way honest because it’s a struggle and I have had so many moments, were I no longer want to be on this purity train, le sigh.

So, in all my emotions between the holiday and pondering over my love life, I have been able to reach my “measurement” conclusion. I am going to be ok because the man I give myself to, will leave no doubts in my mind that I have placed my heart in the right hands. God gave me a discernment and intuition that will help me not be blindly in love with the wrong person. That is my big revelation, it was probably anti-climatic but I'd thought I share.😆

Until next time, remember you will always be worth the wait.

-Attendre

File 10

Continuing with my year of self- discovery, self -care, and just doing what makes me happy. I have started some of the tasks that I suggested on my last post. I am back to share some poetry that I have jotted down over the last few months. They are very random pieces, inspired by my life throughout the last year or so. Remember I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my ish!

Tender Thoughts

The more I try not to think of you, the more I think of you.

How ironic.

How the butterflies and nerves turn into,

Warmth and yearning over time.

Thoughts. You’ve consumed mine.

No it doesn’t matter, as Lauryn sings.

The topic of my desires,

You.

Caught up in the rapture of your essence.

Sweep me away.

Images of you flashing through my mind,

Sharpening in on the glow in your eyes

When you’re passionately talking.

Dancing through time, welcoming it to

Stand still when we’re together.

When the dream becomes real and the

Fairytale doesn’t seem like just fiction.

Reality is finally the sweetest story

Because I’m sharing it with you.

Tender.

Open.

Blossoming.

Just like the sun,water,and, dirt nourishes the flower.

You’re every nutrient that I’ve ever needed.

Giddy. Blessed. Over the moon.

Because you’re my rose.

Deserve

That moment when you finally woke up.

When the clock ticked to the right minute

And the lightbulb clicked on.

When you see the you're worth is more

Than what you’ve decided you deserve.

When you’re tired of “No Good” and “Can’t get right”

No more looking through blurred lenses.

You deserve better.

You deserve love notes, just because you were on my mind notes.

Random phone calls just to say, I wanted to hear the smile that I put on your face.

You deserve hand holds, hugs at the right moments, gentle touches, and long kisses.

Love doesn’t settle, so why should you?

Love is action, its forward moving.

It’s I’m sorry.

It’s let’s work it out.

It’s there’s no one else I’d rather ride this wave with.

It’s we have just the right amount of crazy, to make this thang work.

Love is, you make me roll my eyes and smile at the same time.

It’s I seen you were feeling down and I thought you needed a laugh.

This is what you’re worthy of.

Not half told stories, full of effortless actions.

Not someone who dims your flame to light their fire.

No tic for tac or strikes to end the game.

Reality is, you deserve to get what’s coming to you.

And that’s a love that makes the second stand still.

Easy to Say

It’s easy to say, that I’ve been thinking of you.

My smile forms on its own, at just the thought of you.

Just smooth, easy, and effortless.

Like bright skies to warm sunsets.

You bring me the warmest feeling.

Soothing, comforting, and satisfying.

Like warm tea and a good book.

Your touch sends vibrations that I can’t control throughout my entire being.

Natural bliss, pleasure, and thrill.

Like discovering something new for the first time.

Natural, like the small sound of pleasure that escapes my lips at the first realization of your touch.

Taking in your scent, trying to commit it to memory.

Your essence, just a whiff, I savor it.

Tracking your movement as you trace the outline of my hands with yours.

Embracing, a soft graze, a quick brush against my skin.

Like the smoothest paint stroke against a beautiful portrait.

Laughing in sync and hearing your voice.

Like hearing my  favorite song and melody.

Taking it all in.

Catching your face, just as the moonlight hits it.

Mesmerized, entranced, and caught up.

Like watching an artist create a fine work of art.

It’s so easy to say now but hard to do.

I miss you.

To My Students

Yesterday I cried for you.

I shed a tear because I see greatness in you that you haven’t discovered yet.

When I look into your beautiful brown faces,

I see the future of the world.

I see a change maker.

I see brilliance and royalty.

I see a dream that tried to be deferred.

I see perseverance and dedication.

I see intelligence, innovation, and wild imaginations.

When I look into your amber eyes and your shining smile,

I see children that will grow into adults,

That will mold this nation into something better.

Something sturdier and more valuable.

I see young black children that can hold the world in their fingertips and shape

It into something greater than I’ve imagined. No MAGA.

Beautiful, black child.

Poised. Cultured. Trendsetter.

Mahogany, Chestnut, Honey hued Kings and Queens.

Opinionated, Loud, and Rough is how some may describe you.

Leader, Passionate, Fighter, and Bold is how I see you.

Yesterday I shed tears for your right now but today I shed tears for your potential.

I smile knowing that you can and will rise to the occasion.

You will walk the road less traveled.

You will set the example.

You will break records,

You will redefine success.

As I scan over your faces and images of beautiful shades of blackness, greet me.

I see that the future is in my classroom.

For that, you’ll always be worth crying for.

Earthly Living

This world we live in, is a constant reminder to stay above water.

In a split second things could change.

That path leading you up could take you down.

There’s a constant need to always be in control.

Sometimes it’s good to let go.

Let the tides move you whichever way they may.

Soak in the chill of something unfamiliar.

Sink deeper into the sand dunes of your thoughts.

They say that God will never give you more than you can bare.

Hold the load with both hands.

Don’t let the burdens trap you in their quick sands.

Press through. Push Through.

At the end of the day, God’s got you!
Always remember there is greater on the horizon.

Every sunset, is countered by a sun rise. Enjoy the view.

-Attendre

File 9

Picture it, its New Years Eve 2020 and you’re reminiscing over the fabulous year that you have just had. You’ve made major gains, have grown in numerous ways, have received the love that you wanted and needed, and you just had an overall BOMB year! Yes, Sis picture it! That’s the energy we’re going to keep throughout this entire year! Why? Because we deserve it and we’re going to remember that part for the next 52 weeks, 12 months, and 365 days. ( I wrote this at the start of January, just now posting)

Picture it Sis!

There is something about claiming and praying for the things that you want and the vision that you see for your life. I have been thinking about New Year’s Resolutions and I’m not with it this year. I just want to work towards the things that I want and not make a big deal out of it just because the year is new. I want these things and attaching resolutions to it, may bog my ideas down. Its currently 4 in the morning and I am just full of energy thinking about how I want this year to be different. How different? So different, that I start doing more, giving more, being better, and living unapologetically.

I had a memorable 2018 because of the lessons that I learned and I want to put those lessons to use in 2019. 

A major way that I plan on doing that is by investing in myself and I encourage you to do the same thing. My motto is to “Treat Yo Self” but we’re going to up the ante this year. Here’s how!

1.       SELF AFFIRMATIONS because you’re amazing! Yes, it feels great to hear others say how out of this world you are but it feels even better when you know it for yourself. You’re the snack, the treasure, the prize, however you want to label it.

2.       EXPLORE YOUR TALENTS. Chose a talent that you have and expand it. Practice it, share it with others. Think about the things that you like to do and choose one or a couple of those things to strengthen this year. I am choosing to work on my writing and that includes my poetry. I will be sharing some of my poems on here in the future.

3.       LEARN SOMETHING NEW. Think about something that you have always wanted to try and do exactly that. It may be learning a new skill, a new recipe, or learning a new way to show yourself self- care.  This year, I will be purchasing a used guitar and learning how to play the instrument. It has been years since I have read music or played anything and I am up for the challenge.

4.       BE SPONTANEOUS! Just do something out of the ordinary. As long as you're safe, YOLO! I plan to get my first tattoo this year.

5.       KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF YOUR YEAR. There are limitless ways for you to save your memories. You could keep a bullet journal, start a blog, start a vlog, etc. Do whatever is easiest for you.

This year is about the gains! I am choosing to do what is best for me because I have put myself on the back burner for a long time. Here's to doing whatever the hell you want in 2019! 

-Attendre