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| Hey Y'all! |
Yesterday was Father’s Day and for the first time in a long
time, I felt triggered by the holiday. I was surprised by these feelings
because they seemed foreign to me. I never really had a big appreciation for
the day because of the nonexistent relationship that I have with my biological
father. As I grew older, I began to show more appreciation for it because of
the male figures that I did have in my life. I took a pain and turned it into
something positive by being appreciative of what I do have. Still, when I
started to scroll down my FB timeline and seen all the well wishes, I felt odd
but couldn’t pinpoint the source of or for lack of a better word, aggravation.
It was not until this morning, when I read a status that was
shared by a FB friend, that I was able to identify the source of my uneasiness.
It was a status that shared some insight from The Red Table Talk episode with
Ciera and how she realized that it was time to end her relationship with Hip
Hop rapper, Future. Peep the status below:
I immediately hearted the status because it spoke to me. I
have written about my journey to forgiving my father on here before. I still
forgive him. Now you’re wondering
well if that is true, then why the sad feelings on yesterday? After reading
heartfelt stories from friends to their fathers, and digesting the words of the
post, I realized that a fond relationship, full of sweet memories with my
Father is something that I will never get. The opportunity has long passed.
So what system of measurement would I use, to identify
whether or not my mate is how a husband is supposed to operate? A Fathers love
is essential to helping a woman build up her confidence as she grows from a
child into a woman. There are some things that a Mothers love can’t replace,
just as there are some lessons that can only be learned from a father. My
opinions and I am sticking with it, lol. As I pondered over these questions, I
started to think about who I could use as a measurement like Ciara used with
her father. I thought of my Great Grandfather, who was my whole heart and first
best friend. I miss him dearly but as much as I want to use him for this “measurement”
I can’t because listen, the man did no wrong in my eyes. So there’s that, lol.
So as I am sitting here processing these new insights and
being in my feelings, I started to think about my last serious relationship. I
think about how sometimes I wasn’t as confident to do certain things like missing
opportunities to be intimate with him. He did teach me that intimacy and sex
are not the same things and it’s a lesson that I will forever be grateful for.
I think on this journey of saving myself, I had lumped the two together.
Especially since its hard containing yourself around someone that you love but
you want to not fall into temptations. This was my first serious relationship
and I definitely struggled with this because there were plenty of times, I
wanted to say, take me now, lol. Ok, let me stop playing because I want yaw to
take me seriously, lol. BUT I am being all the way honest because it’s a struggle
and I have had so many moments, were I no longer want to be on this purity
train, le sigh.
So, in all my emotions between the holiday and pondering
over my love life, I have been able to reach my “measurement” conclusion. I am
going to be ok because the man I give myself to, will leave no doubts in my
mind that I have placed my heart in the right hands. God gave me a discernment and
intuition that will help me not be blindly in love with the wrong person. That is my big revelation, it was probably anti-climatic but I'd thought I share.😆
Until next time, remember you will always be worth the wait.
-Attendre
