Reflections on the 2018 Year
Without reflection, we go blindly on our way,
creating more
unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything
useful.
Margaret J. Wheatley
Although I have neglected my files for some time, I am back
to blog about my reflections on 2018. 2018 for me has been a year of first and
many new experiences. I have learned many new lessons, failed at several
things, made numerous mistakes, but I can say that I am still standing and
ready to persevere into 2019.
2018 brought me into my first serious relationship and for
the sake of that person’s privacy, I will only discuss myself. I will say that
I learned a lot about myself through trial and error. I have a better
understanding of how I want and liked to be treated by a partner. I also
learned that just because you feel that you are meeting someone’s needs, it doesn’t
mean that they think that you are. The biggest “aha” that I have made, is that
love is nothing to play with. Being in them “Feels” will have you doing and
thinking some crazy things, lol. All in all, I enjoyed it but alas, everything doesn’t
always work out the way you want it to. That’s life. Life will throw you some
curve balls whenever it feels like it and the important part is how you respond
to the curve balls.
I have come to terms with some things that I would like to
work on about myself. I have realized that I am a person that does not like to
make mistakes. Shocker! I fully understand that mistakes must be made so that
we can learn from them but I still cringe and over think when I have made one.
I think I have found the beauty in messing up. The beauty lies within how you
respond or react to what you have done. Are you/have you tried to correct the
mistake(s) and has your behavior changed? Reflecting on making mistakes has
been a major part of my self-care process these last few months of 2018. Just
know mistakes do not define you or your character but they do help shape who
you are.
I started this blog so that I could encourage others and
keep up the fight in deciding to save myself for marriage. I have to be honest
and admit that sometimes I have a hard time not regretting my decision. I am
not saying that I have decided to no longer wait, I am discussing a struggle
that I have been having for the better part of my year. Sometimes I get really
discouraged and I feel that this promise that I have made to myself and God,
has been in vain. Why am I setting myself aside and there is no guarantee that
I will find who I have been set aside for? Let’s be honest, the reality of that
is terrifying to me. I have waited for so long to be connected to the person I
will spend forever with and it could possibly not happen. Even though that
possibility does not match up with the things that I want for myself, I have to
get to the point where I am ok if those things don’t happen. I have to be
assured that God has something in store for me that surpasses what I have
envisioned for myself. I can’t say that I believe in God and love God, if I
still carry around doubts and fears. I am working on this and I just wanted to be
transparent and say that it is not easy. It’s not easy but it can be done.
This past weekend I attended a retreat and in one of the
sessions we had to write down something that we need to stop carrying around.
Once we wrote those things down, we would later burn them because you can’t
“carry around ashes.” Jesus! Once you’ve severed ties and burned those burdens,
don’t look back to pick up the ashes. I am very guilty of this, guilty of
hanging on to things that I should part ways with. Sometimes we get so
comfortable in being in a certain situation or feeling a certain way, we get
too accustomed to it. It feels familiar and anything different feels too
foreign. Fear or content keeps us from making progress or coming out of those
routines. I am saying that I need to
stop doing this. Stop letting fear or familiarity keep me in situations that I
need to excuse myself from. The hardest thing to do is walk away when all you want
to do is stay. That’s a hard truth to come to terms with.
As I look back over my 2018, I can think of plenty of things
that I wish I could change but time doesn’t work that way. I just know that I
am not taking this hurt and heartache into 2019 and I very much owe that to
myself. I am also considering ending my blogging efforts in 2019 and focusing on
something else. 2019 may bring the changes that I need and opportunities to try
a bevy of new things.
Here is to a prosperous 2019 for you and me. Remember that
mistakes are proof that you are trying and anything worth having is worth the
wait.
-Attendre
